Wednesday, December 22, 2010


Lynne tells George that they will have their own Christmas pudding this year. George says it smells delicious. George holds up a spoon and suggests they both stir it and make a wish. Lynne says that her wish is to eat the pudding and not put on a single ounce.

It's the end of Christmas day for George and Lynne and after two enormous dinners they are back home. Lynne winds down by taking off all her clothes, donning an apron and making a Christmas pudding, as if they hadn't eaten enough today. They turned down the offer of pudding at Helen's house in order to make their own later.

Lynne does not know that when you say your wish out loud it does not come true. However, she still looks pretty trim despite the amount she's eaten today. George, on the other hand, seems now to have a belly that has folded over the top of his trousers.

With Lynne's wish now null and void, it is up to George's wish to put everything right. Instead of wishing for his holiday weight to go in a flash, George has sensibly wished for a cut price painter and decorator to sort out the frankly appalling tile pattern in his kitchen. There's just no order to it at all.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010


George and Lynne are eating Christmas dinner and Lynne thanks Helen for inviting them. Helen's husband says it is their pleasure and suggests starting the occasion with the crackers. Helen wants to wait because George hasn't got one. George claims that he has as he pulled this cracker years ago. Lynne says 'Oh darling'.

So it seems even though they stuffed themselves silly just this afternoon, George and Lynne are now enjoying yet another Christmas dinner. George will be as big as a house by the end of the festive period.

Even though Helen and her husband had invited George and Lynne over, they have only placed three crackers on the table. This begs so many questions, the main one being what two-bit shop did they buy a packet of crackers that only had three inside? This could be 'secondary' Christmas dinner for both couples. Helen and her husband have already had a group of people over this afternoon for Christmas lunch and used up the other nine crackers from their standard box. They suddenly remembered that they had invited George and Lynne over, possibly at the same time that George and Lynne remembered that they had been invited over. If they just came clean with each other, they would have a right old laugh and no one would have to eat a second Christmas dinner.

Helen and her husband seem suitably unimpressed with George's use of the words 'pulled' and 'cracker' when referring to Lynne and so is Lynne. Her 'Oh darling' is laced with more disdain than affection. The effects of George's four pack of Hofmeister at lunch are yet to wear off, leaving him open, as evidenced here, to the occasional social faux pas.

Monday, December 20, 2010


Lynne is on the phone and tells the caller that George is sleeping off Christmas dinner before the Queen's speech. The caller asks if it's a traditional Christmas. Lynne thinks to herself that after Christmas she'll take back all that George bought her which is also another Christmas tradition.

George is fast asleep after his lunch, which looks to have been quite a large one judging by the size of his stomach and the remnants on his shirt. As the Queen's speech is, and always has been, at 3pm and George looks to have been asleep for a good 20 minutes, it must be around half past two, meaning that George and Lynne have their Christmas dinner at around 12.30pm, which seems sensible.

Due to the fact that Lynne has to keep some of her thoughts to herself, the person on the other end of the phone is someone close to George, as it would be to call on Christmas Day. The person on the phone could be George's mother, who has emigrated to Australia. Her and Lynne don't get on that well, mainly because Lynne is still yet to bear her any grandchildren. Telling her that she returns George's presents would not go down very well on the other side of the world.

After a long pause, which Lynne plays off as a bad line, the phone call must end as the hour of three is fast approaching. George has to be woken and this phone call is costing a small fortune. For anyone watching the ITV movie, the Queen this year will talk about lessons which adults can learn from children and feature film of Prince Harry's christening.

Thursday, December 16, 2010


Lynne and 'Mantha are at a fancy dress party. Lynne tells 'Mantha that the local police chief was going to make a big speech. 'Mantha asks what it was going to be about and Lynne tells her it was going to be about a crackdown on local crime. 'Mantha asks why he didn't make his speech and Lynne replies that it seems that someone stole his notes.

The fancy dress party that Lynne and 'Mantha are attending has no theme. We see such costumes as an Elizabethan dandy, Poison Ivy and Cleopatra, in addition to Lynne's saucy policewoman and 'Mantha's air stewardess. We can't see George but maybe his costume is so good it's hard to recognise him. Is that him as the Elizabethan dandy?

For some reason, the local police chief was going to make a big speech at this fancy dress party. There have been many charity balls and dinner dances for the upper echelons of Wimbledon's Glitterati but they have decided to go one more step to the left in order for them to put their hands in their pockets once more. The woman dressed as Poison Ivy is actually the mayor's wife, Cleopatra is the head of a local bank and the laughing cavalier is the local vicar. They've all made it out for this, the First Annual Charity Fancy Dress Party in Aid of the Wimbledon Neighbourhood Watch Foundation.

Of course the party ends up being a bit of a damp squib when the police chief fails to deliver his keynote speech. It was rather foolish of him not to keep another copy of his speech, or indeed not writing out the speech in full. It seems that he prefers to just use notes and riff a bit when delivering his speeches. He's made quite a name for himself and everyone was really looking forward to it. Oh well, at least the man from the circus brought his hall of mirrors with him.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


Lynne is at the gym talking to an unnamed friend who asks her if Lynne thinks it's a good idea to date your personal trainer. Lynne says it depends and asks if they are both unattached. George appears and says they look very attached to him as the couple clinch.

Lynne's gym has everything. It has exercise bikes, motivational posters, adverts for chocolate bars and even a place where you can write cheques. It also looks like it has a bar. A man with a moustache wearing a dress is enjoying that part of the gym.

Lynne's friend is seemingly asking her for advice but she doesn't want it. While Lynne completes her paying in slip, her friend has already jumped on her new lover. This is rather unprofessional of the personal trainer, but maybe this is the service he offers. This gym does have everything.

In the meantime George has sidled his way into the gym having enjoyed a smoothie from the bar. On his way back he wondered about the reputability of the gym, but he was lucky to find a certificate on the wall. It clearly states that the gym has license to sell intoxicating beverages.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


Lynne is at the beach with an unnamed friend. She tells Lynne that she's been spending time hanging out with a surfer guy. Lynne says it sounds fun and asks if she is planning to meet up again. Her friend says that she isn't because she got bored and waved him goodbye.

While Lynne makes new friends on the beach, George is in the background reading his book. He prefers to be far enough away from Lynne so that people don't think they are together but close enough so that he can hear her conversations. It's a wonder he can get any reading done with that massive mobile disco going on in the background.

Lynne friend is really rude. As she is telling Lynne the reason for the breakdown in her relationship with the surfer, he comes into their line of sight. She uses this opportunity to ridicule the young man even more. The young surfer is irritated by this but not for the reasons we expect. He is irritated because Lynne's friend has made up the excuse about her being bored. The real reason they stopped seeing each other is because the surfer is only 15 years old. She wanted to cover up her mistake so invented this story. She was in fact infatuated with him but then completely freaked out when she found out his age.

Monday, December 13, 2010


George and Lynne are out driving. George looks at a busty woman and Lynne tells him to keep his eyes on the road. George complies and looks at a busty cyclist. Lynne is upset.

It seems the George's Mercedes has given up the ghost as this car has the look of a Renault Kangoo or its mid 1980s equivalent, perhaps a Fiesta Poplar. Lynne is right, he needs to keep his eye on the road as he is about to hit a car reversing out of the Wimbledon Stock Exchange, the centre of the financial world in 1983.

What strange weather there is in Wimbledon today. It is obviously a clement day judging by the attire of the two busty women, but the cyclist is emerging from deep fog. This may not be fog but the billows of smoke after George went into the back of the investment banker. George's new car is already ruined. This is what Lynne is really annoyed about. Not being a driver herself, Lynne has always relied on George to take her to the boutiques in town. Now she'll have to walk.

Thursday, December 9, 2010


George and Lynne are out jogging. Lynne notices Savannah and tells George that she's back with Henry. George says that's what you call recycling.

It is an autumn day and George and Lynne have decided to wear their tracksuits for their run as it is a bit chilly. Savannah on the other hand does not feel the cold as much and is only wearing t-shirt and shorts. Henry, although carrying a little paunch, has wrapped up in a polo neck and slacks. Probably not the most appropriate attire for a bike ride, but he thought they were only going round the block.

Savannah and Henry have decided to give their marriage another chance. Henry, being quite a bit older than Savannah, has agreed to get into shape, hence the bike ride. Henry had previously been heading to an early grave by smoking cigars, eating foie gras and drinking scotch. In order to get his wife back, he has decided to drop his vices.

With recycling being a relatively new term, George has seen it used in many newspapers and has decided to drop it into conversation to show that he his is up-to-date with current affairs. Unfortunately, George skim reads the papers and has got the meaning of recycling completely wrong. Luckily for him, the only person in earshot is Lynne who is equally as ignorant. Unluckily for him, he will drop recycling into another conversation later in the week and will then be ridiculed for his error.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


Lynne is doing some stretching with 'Mantha and tells her that she and George went dancing. 'Mantha asks if it was disco or ballroom dancing. Lynne says it was morris dancing and George was shamed.

Lynne and 'Mantha know the importance of stretching before working out. They are being guided through a stretching routine by a woman with curly hair who is stretching her groin. Lynne is doing her abdomen whereas 'Mantha is attempting to bend over without falling over due to her massive bosom.

'Mantha switches to abdomen and calls out the only two types of dancing that she thinks Lynne would do, knowing full well that Breakdancing is far too modern for the likes of Lynne. Lynne recounts the morris dancing incident so vividly that what we see is 'Mantha's vision of it all. George was shamed but not until he was in full regalia and just about to start dancing. This can't be right, Lynne is not that bad a story teller. It must be that 'Mantha wasn't listening properly but trying to think of a third type of dance.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


George and Lynne are walking down the road. Coming towards them is a man in a sandwich board saying 'The End Of The World Is...' on the front and 'Not Yet Here So Eat At Bernie's' on the back. George and Lynne smile.

As George and Lynne pass a woman who is quite clearly trying to hide her identity having just stolen something from CHOC, they are not yet interested in this man's sign. In these times, it was common for men to be predicting the end of the world. They must see his ruse as he would not just write 'Nigh' on the back of his sandwich board as that would be bad writing space management.

Bernie's advertising campaign is trying to convey that there is lots of time for you to eat at Bernie's. Unfortunately this causes most people who see the placard to think that they will go to Bernie's tomorrow and then promptly forget about it. If the campaign said that the end of the world is nigh so eat at Bernie's then it would be better as it would imply that even though the world was about to end, eating at Bernie's would still be considered as a sensible option for the last remaining moments because the food is so good. Unfortunately, Bernie of Bernie's is so strapped for cash that he can only afford a man in a sandwich board as advertising which itself implies that the food isn't very good.

Monday, December 6, 2010


George is on a train with an unnamed man. He tells George that his in-laws are in a wild west appreciation society and that they often go as Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. George says that they are more outlaws than in-laws.

George is on a train. The man who has sat next to him must be a friend or business colleague who is accompanying George to an important meeting. If he was a stranger then George may be a little perturbed that this man has sat next to him when there are clearly sets spare seats on the train.

The man on the opposite side of the aisle to them looks rather disgruntled. As a seasoned commuter on public transport, he likes to use this time to read his morning newspaper. His routine has been rudely interrupted by George's colleague who has started a very loud and pointless conversation with George. His day is mildly ruined and won't get back into his normal swing until his secretary has brought him his morning coffee.

George's colleague has brought up the subject of his in-laws to break the uncomfortable silence. The two don't really know each other very well and he has assumed that small talk will make the journey a bit more relaxing. After George cracks his gag, his colleague has a very strange look on his face; it is a cross between not quite understanding the joke and having a stroke. George senses this and looks a bit troubled. He will soon have to pull the communication cord to alert the driver holding up the entire train. The man will become even more disgruntled when they realise he merely had indigestion.

Thursday, December 2, 2010


George and Lynne are in their living room when the lights go out. Lynne complains that this is the second power cut this week. She goes on to complain that the heating has gone off and it is freezing. George grabs a torch and tells her to look on the bright side as they'll just have to turn in early again.

George and Lynne have watched so much television that the power cut has had no emotional effect on them. They continue to stare at the blank screen as Lynne monotonically informs George of the lack of electricity. If it wasn't for the heating going off and snapping Lynne out of her stupor, she would have stayed there all night.

This power cut is isolated to their house only as the light from the streetlamps still lights their faces. If we look at George's face in the first frame, there is a knowing smile. He has organised this power cut with a deft efficiency. However he has not done it to have his way with Lynne. No, he has blown the fusebox in the garage purely to play with his knock-off lightsaber that he picked up at the market last week. Just call him George Skywalker.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


George and Lynne are at the circus. Lynne tells George that Annabelle tried juggling family and a career. George asks if it worked out. Lynne said it didn't and now she does the juggling.

The circus has come to Wimbledon and George and Lynne have landed plum front row tickets. George's firm leased the land that the circus put its big top up on. In the deal he wangled himself a couple of freebies for the opening night.

Lynne's friend Annabelle wanted to have both a career and a family, unlike Lynne who wants neither, but unfortunately it didn't work out. Annabelle used to be a successful interior designer. She had two children in quick succession but when they started school she wanted to return to work. She had so much trouble juggling the two she ended up having a breakdown; she literally ran away and joined the circus. Now she juggles for a living. She never sees her children or husband. George and Lynne find this funny.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010


George and Lynne are canoeing. George tells Lynne that the local MP is writing a book set on the high seas and that it is a true tale of skullduggery, romance and buried treasure. Lynne adds that it all went on during the MP's fact-finding cruise last year.

George and Lynne are not experienced canoeists. They have opted for life jackets and safety helmets. The guide warned them of rapids so they took the safe option. This decision was needed even more when George and Lynne both realised that they would be canoeing and not kayaking, a mistake the inexperienced boatman usually makes.

Lynne is right, the MP's book is based on his cruise last year. During his time on the QE2, he tricked a fellow passenger into giving him £12, had a quicky with one of the crew and then lost his signet ring in the mash potato which he had to dig out. Not a compelling read.

Lynne's attempt at satire is directed at the MP for getting up to all sorts on his fact-finding cruise. However she should really be directing her humorous vitriol at whoever thought it a good idea to send the MP for Wimbledon to the Bahamas to find out more information about the possibilities of introducing speed bumps on Parkside.

Monday, November 29, 2010


George and Lynne are out shopping. Lynne notices Fran and tells George that she's been under the surgeon's knife six times for plastic surgery. George says it's more like drastic surgery.

George and Lynne are in a shop called either Blues or Sick. Wherever they are, it is quite expensive as some of the items cost £59. It sells coats of many colours. Lynne is looking for a coat to go with her pink blouse.

Fran has had plastic surgery six times. As she looks fine, George's comment that it is for drastic surgery can only mean one thing. Fran has been both unfortunate and fortunate in her life. She has been unfortunate because she has been involved in six terrible accidents that have scarred her and have required plastic surgery. She has been fortunate that her surgeon is the best in the business, and has fixed her up every time, so much so that she still looks great. It is quite strange that she used to have a massive nose and chin though. It makes you think that she got into those accidents on purpose.

Thursday, November 25, 2010


George is going fishing with his friend Harry and tells Lynne when he arrives. Lynne tells George to have fun and adds that Alice is popping in for coffee. Alice seeks Lynne's approval about her short skirt. Lynne doesn't think it's too short and then thinks that Alice is fishing for compliments.

George did not really need to tell Lynne that he was going fishing as the rod, net and bag of bait are quite prominent. In truth, by making a big show of going fishing, George is more likely to be using this as a cover up. On the evidence of our last two meetings with Harry, it's more likely that George is going to try and pick up women.

Harry may have changed his ways though. He now has a girlfriend who has been introduced to his circle of friends. Lynne, being a generous sort, has invited Alice for coffee to get to know her better while the men 'fish'. Lynne immediately regrets this decision as Alice has already started fishing for compliments and removing her clothes; she has taken her top off before even getting up the drive. Fishing trips usually last the best part of an afternoon, so by the time George and Harry come back, they will be shocked to find Lynne throttling a naked Alice in the living room.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


George is doing the dishes when Lynne enters the kitchen and tells him she is off to her old school class reunion and asks how she looks. George says she looks in a class of her own.

Now we know that George and Lynne did not meet at school. Usually these reunions involve being allowed to take partners but not in this case. Lynne is going alone and has dressed up to try and impress her old schoolmates as they all said she'd amount to nothing.

George and Lynne have obviously neglected the dishes over the last few days. Instead of washing up after each meal or before bed, they have let the dishes stack up. We can only hope that they at least rinsed them, otherwise their kitchen will be a hive for germs. George saw a line of ants so thought it was time to wash up.

Lynne is really asking how she looks because the upstairs is as bad as the kitchen. Soiled clothes have been strewn everywhere and this dress is literally the only clean thing she could find. She was hoping to wear something a little more businesslike, but her trouser suit is covered in yoghurt.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


A plumber is working on George and Lynne's bathroom while George watches. The plumber says that fitting the new sink isn't easy. From another room, Lynne asks if it is a bit of a tight fit. After seeing Lynne in a skimpy outfit, both George and the plumber think the same thing, that she can say that again.

George has had no choice but to call out a plumber. After removing the old sink, George had a go at fitting the new sink but he realised it was beyond his capabilities. Whilst watching the plumber struggle, he has a mild sense of justification that even a professional plumber has had trouble with it.

The plumber, who can't even do his job properly, is walking on thin ice by knocking off to ogle Lynne. George will soon turn round to find him staring right at the exposed Lynne. Hopefully George will just give him one of his patented deathly stares but if the plumber hasn't noticed him, he could be on the wrong end of a bunch of fives. George will then be forced to fit the sink himself after being blacklisted by every plumber in the SW19 post code.

Monday, November 22, 2010


Lynne is in the bath. She thinks to herself that cousin Norm is visiting from Australia. She continues to think that he is a lifeguard and likes to keep his hand in. Norm bursts into the bathroom and Lynne shouts 'Bondi Beach or no Bondi Beach'.

The water shortage has hit Wimbledon hard. Lynne's baths are now a centimetre of water and an awful lot of Fairy liquid. She cleans herself in the shower but has refused to give up that relaxing bath time she enjoys so much. So instead she creates the atmosphere of a relaxing bath, but without the water.

Cousin Norm is a bit strange. Oz probably doesn't mean Australia in this case but the Osmand Mental Health Hospital, known as Oz. Norm is actually George's cousin and has been locked up for quite a while. In order to attempt to reintroduce him to society, George has agreed to let him live at their house for a trial period of a week. He has delusions of being a lifeguard, a side effect of his Hero Syndrome, which got him locked up in the first place.

To not draw attention to Norm on this experiment, George and Lynne have devised a code word if Norm does anything untoward. It is a bit long winded but it is decided that the code word will be 'Bondi Beach or no Bondi Beach'. George hurried into the bathroom seconds later to find Norm attempting to drown Lynne so he can save her. Needless to say, Norm was returned to Oz that very afternoon.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


George and Lynne are at a dance. George tells Lynne that 'Kiss and Tell' stories are always a hazard for the rich and famous. He continues by saying that it all started centuries back, so long ago that the first was a 'Kiss and William Tell' story.

In order to regain their reputation, George has paid an extortionate amount for him and Lynne to go to an exclusive black tie dinner dance. At £100 a plate, it really is only the glitterati at this event. Look, is that Paul Newman dancing with the woman in red?

Due to the amount of celebrities at this event, George tries to impress Lynne with his knowledge of celebrity culture. He should keep his voice down as it looks as if Paul Newman has overheard him. Luckily for George, he does not go on to expose any celebrities. He is merely setting himself up for a poor joke. Unfortunately Lynne thinks that this is the true history of the term 'kiss and tell' and will go on to tell her friends. She will then be the laughing stock of the community and people will have more than one reason to hate her.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


George and Lynne are at a wedding. As the bride and groom leave the church, Lynne remarks that those two have it all. George asks if she means money and good looks. Lynne replies that they say she certainly had several good looks at his money before marrying him.

It's wedding season and this time George and Lynne have actually been invited rather than hearing about it from other people. They must have caught wind that their behaviour and gossiping is frowned upon in the community. They have made an special effort to tone it down in recent weeks in order to secure an invite to this, the most talked about wedding of the year.

They are trying very hard. George has hired a Morning suit and Lynne is wearing a very conservative dress, for her. Unfortunately Lynne had to go and spoil it. She couldn't keep her big mouth shut. All the guests know that the bride is marrying the groom for his money and insisted on a pre-nuptial agreement but no one had to say it. The problem is that everyone knew except for the woman in the green hat. She will now tell someone else that the blonde woman and thinning gentleman have been spreading slanderous accusations. This results in George and Lynne actually being asked to leave the reception. George calms down the father of the bride but his reputation has been tarnished this time.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


George is reading when Lynne comes in and says that sometimes she'd call him really lazy. George gets up and says that she can call him what she likes as long as she calls him for dinner.

It's early evening in the George and Lynne household and Lynne is making dinner while George relaxes. Whatever George is reading is very poorly put together. There is no headline at the top of the front page and just a blank space where a picture should be. Lynne has been calling him to peel some potatoes but George has said he is busy. Lynne thinks he is just reading the paper when in fact he is approving a draft of the new company newsletter. If George's property law firm wants to move headfirst into the 1980s, then a company newsletter is a perfect accompaniment to their already strong market share.

From the background of the last frame, this might be a special dinner. The dining table is set, wine is out and there also seems to be a bread roll already put out. If they are expecting guests then Lynne is nowhere near ready. Not only is she only just asking George to peel the potatoes, she isn't even dressed. If, however, this is late afternoon rather than early evening then those rolls may be a little hard by the time the guests arrive. Lynne needs to manage her time a bit better, and that company newsletter won't approve itself.

Monday, November 15, 2010


Lynne is in a cafe with an unnamed friend. The friend tells Lynne that Sophie said she'd be a bit late as she had to buy a new dog collar. Lynne says that she didn't know she had a dog. The friend says she doesn't and asks Lynne if she heard that she just married a vicar.

Lynne has organised one of her coffee mornings, this time with a couple of friends we don't know. Lynne doesn't seem to know much about her friends so these may be old school or work friends. Lynne then seems to be more surprised at not knowing Sophie had a dog than she does when she finds out she's married.

These must be friends, especially Sophie, who do not live in the same town as Lynne. It's likely that Sophie's marriage to the vicar would have been big news amongst the townspeople. It's not every day a man of the cloth gets married. Also, we know that Lynne's local vicar is a plump bald man who is unlikely to marry someone as young and stylish as Sophie.

What does the friend mean when she says that Sophie just married a vicar? Is the reason Lynne hasn't heard is that it only happened a couple of days ago or even just this morning? This marriage is not going to go far if Sophie is swanning off for coffee just hours after her wedding. At least he, the vicar husband, has got her running errands for him when he is attending to important church business. This seems like a strange relationship, perhaps one of convenience.

Thursday, November 11, 2010


George, Lynne, 'Mantha and Sammy are having dinner with some other people. Lynne tells 'Mantha that she loves a wedding and she agrees. Sammy also agrees because there are always so many people to toast.

Someone has got married and have invited George, Lynne, 'Mantha and Sammy. They have been put together because they probably don't know that many other people at the weding. However it seems that they have all been put on a table with the lesser known relatives of the bride and groom. The man with the comb-over and the glasses is most likely the uncle of the bride or groom because he has a Morning suit on.

Dinner has been served and the speeches are now happening, however Sammy is already drunk. He has over done it on the champagne. Add that to a lack of canopes and the fizz has gone straight to his head. 'Mantha looks forlorn again, but he doesn't seem to be out of hand at the moment. That will come later when he passes out in the cake.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


George is running with a unnamed friend. The friend tells George that they say a distant relative of his wife was a famous pirate. George wants confirmation that the pirate had an eye patch, peg leg and a parrot on the shoulder. The friend wants to know if George has met his wife.

George and his friend appear to be taking part in some sort of local fun run. Not only is it those two, but a woman is also running behind them. That said, none of them are wearing numbers and the lady in the brown is more interested in the shrubbery than the run, so it is more likely to be a jogging club.

George's friend's wife looks like a pirate. Unless the friend is trying to be funny by saying his wife is a bit ugly, and by the looks of George's face this isn't the case, his wife really does have an eye patch, a peg leg and a parrot on her shoulder. She really must be a sight and if George hasn't actually seen her, then he must have heard about her. There's no way a woman with that appearance would have got past Lynne's radar. It's likely that she isn't actually related to a pirate, but in fact this is a cruel joke played by the local residents because they think she looks like a pirate. The truth is she lost her eye and leg in a car accident and it is only the companionship of the parrot that has stopped her sinking into a deep depression.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


George is offering drinks to Sammy at a party. Sammy graciously accepts and then decides to take two giving the reason that he'll know that he's not seeing double.

This must be George and Lynne's party. However George could be one of those people who offers to help at someone else's party and then gets lumbered with a job for the rest of the evening. In this case, making sure everyone has a drink. He is doing a bang up job and with a smile on his face to boot.

He has remembered the first rule of Sammy at a party and that is never let him out of your sight. He has however forgotten the second rule which is never offer him a drink. The moment Sammy takes the second drink, 'Mantha's sixth sense kicks in and she looks towards Sammy in shock.

When Sammy gives the reasons for taking the second drink the faces of his friends tells the full story. 'Mantha is not so much upset but disappointed in Sammy. She realises there is nothing she can do for him and will no doubt be resigned to leaving him. Lynne looks at George with an inkling of blame, but just to get his attention to what is happening to their friends. George looks at Lynne with apology. He knows he has done something wrong, but in some ways they all knew it would happen.

Monday, November 8, 2010


Lynne and 'Mantha are playing snooker. Lynne tells 'Mantha that Stew attempted Everest with sexy Sara. 'Mantha asks if he got very far. Lynne replies that he didn't even get to first base.

Lynne and 'Mantha don't really know how to play snooker. They understand that you have to hit the white ball first to try and hit the other balls, but after that they are lost. Here, they have potted seven of the 15 red balls, but they have also potted the green, brown, pink and black balls without replacing them. This is going to severely affect the scoring of the game. It may be that they are just practising, in which case there will be no score.

One reason why they won't be playing a proper game of snooker is that this particular table has no pockets on it. It begs the question of where those other balls have gone. The women are so bad that the balls have been flying off the table. Some are under the sofa, others are behind the curtains. One even went out the French windows.

This ridiculous table must be the work of Sammy. Sammy is a highly skilled carpenter – just look at the craftmanship on those legs, but he is so drunk all the time that he forgets the most simple of things, in this case pockets on a snooker table. It can be ranked alongside his wardrobe with no doors and his coffee table with no top.

Friday, November 5, 2010


George and Lynne are on their way to a fireworks display in the park. George reminds Lynne that it starts in half an hour. Outside a house, he then tells Lynne that they promised to pick up Ed and Annie. Lynne says she thinks she can hear them. As they look through the curtains they see Ed and Annie fighting and George says it looks like the fireworks have already started.

Lynne's mind is going. George has to remind her first where they are going and then why they have stopped. However it is George who needs reminding as the fireworks in the park have already started. If Ed and Annie live that close to the park, then it is a wonder why they need to be driven there. They should really give it a miss. They can clearly see the fireworks from Ed and Annie's garden and that bonfire looks out of control.

Ed and Annie are having an argument. We don't know what it's about but it has escalated so far that Annie has felt the need to throw a book at Ed. This may just be a trivial argument about a novel they have both read. Ed enjoyed it but Annie didn't. If George and Lynne stick around, they would find that out. They don't. They leave hastily because not only do they not want a rowing couple in their car, but also they realise their car has no back seats.

Ed and Annie wait three hours for George and Lynne to come. They watch the fireworks display from their window and decide they don't need friends like George and Lynne. Just see, you'll never see them again.

Thursday, November 4, 2010


Lynne is standing in front of the mirror. She says that she read somewhere that an hour glass figure is going out of fashion. George, who has been watching, says it isn't with him. He kisses Lynne and says that her figure is perfect in our glass.

Lynne's mind is going. She knows she read about an hour glass going out of fashion somewhere, but she can't remember where. She has been standing in front of that mirror for an hour trying to remember. During that time, George has been standing in the shadows, waiting for his moment to reveal himself.

Due to the pronunciation of the word 'hour', George has misunderstood Lynne's statement. When he is spotted he tries to redeem himself and does well initially until his final comment which doesn't really make sense to Lynne who thinks he means hour glass.

What George actually means is that in their mirror, Lynne's figure looks good. What he doesn't mention is that in real life her figure isn't that good and that he had bought Lynne's mirror from the hall of mirrors at the local fair. He is lucky he didn't buy the massive head mirror. That would have really freaked Lynne out.

Monday, November 1, 2010


Lynne is taking a shower. She thinks to herself that it was a shock to find her hotel not finished. She is willing to let it go because the hotel staff are doing their best. We see a Spanish man, called Carlos, pouring water on Lynne from a watering can. He says 'De nada, Senora' after Lynne thanks him.

After a sticky flight and arriving in sweltering temperatures, Lynne needs to freshen up with a cool shower. Even though she was undoubtedly shocked to find that that the hotel was not finished, even she cannot have thought that she would have to take a shower like this. When the concierge said at reception that the hotel was not finished, what he should have said was that they have no plumbing.

Finding your hotel unfinished was a classic horror story from 1980's holidays. Of course what usually happened was that tourists were thrown in to sub-standard accommodation. In this case, they are helping out to make sure all the advertised amenities are available to patrons. Carlos, who is more than happy to muck in, has drawn what is far from the short straw of climbing around the rooftops and pouring water onto guests in the place of showers. But where is he getting this water from? If the hotel has no plumbing, where exactly is he getting the water from? It is either from the sea or a nearby drain. Either way, it certainly won't help Lynne freshen up. You have to feel sorry for the poor chap who's having to clear the toilets.

Thursday, October 28, 2010


George and Lynne are at the pub with an unnamed friend. George asks for confirmation that the friend's super sexy Russian wife was a spy. The friend says it is true but he didn't realise for many many years. They all clink glasses as someone says 'Thank goodness'.

George and Lynne's friend was married to a spy but no one knew about it. From looking at the evidence, it seems that the friend actually discovered the true identity of his wife. As she is not around, he must have decided to report her to the authorities. A governmental department, perhaps the Ministry of Defence, or the Home Office has since dealt with her for crimes against the state. She may have been deported but as relationships with the Soviet Union in the early 80s were frosty to say the least, she is most likely in jail.

When everyone is happy at the end, the initial reaction is to assume that they are celebrating the fact that the friend got a long time with his super sexy Russian wife. In reality, all three are very patriotic and sighing with relief that another insurgent has been captured. If they had their way, she would be blindfolded and face a firing squad. Unfortunately, that would most likely lead to nuclear war with the Soviet Union, so they'll have to make do with her being behind bars for the rest of her life. Cheers!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010


George and Lynne are at the golf club. Two men approach and greet George. George introduces them to Lynne as Tony and Sean. Lynne greets one guessing that he is Sean.

George is very popular at the golf club. He is known to many people because he joined on his own and had to make friends to avoid been seen as a loner. Two people he has befriended are Tony and Sean.

Lynne guesses which one of them is called Sean. We do not find out if he is called Sean but Lynne must have good reason for her guess. It could be that George has introduced them from left to right, which would mean that the man on the right is Sean. It could be that Lynne is attracted to this man and wants to flirt with him immediately. Even if he is not Sean, she has an immediate conversation starter. It could be that because this man is wearing green, he might be Irish and therefore called Sean. As the other man is red headed, this was a 50/50 guess.

The most probably reason is that Lynne has not heard the name Sean before and assumes it is foreign. As this man is black, she makes an educated guess that all Seans are or of African origin. When she guesses, she says the words very slowly and pronounces every word clearly. Sean, if that is Sean, looks offended and will ask for George's membership to be rescinded on account of him having a racist wife.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


George and Lynne are being driven by a friend, Clive. George thanks Clive for the lift to which Clive says it is his pleasure. George then admires Clive's car. Clive thanks George for his compliment and adds that he likes it with the top down but he prefers Lynne's. As he says this, a gust of wind blows open Lynne's dress and she screams.

Clive drives a cabriolet sports car. He has decided to put the top down even though it looks like it is a very windy autumn day. He has the top down to impress George and Lynne, who were in town shopping but then became stuck because the sudden adverse weather had caused all the trains to be cancelled. It looks like he is speeding, which he is also doing to impress George and Lynne.

The wind is picking up; leaves are blowing everywhere and George's Brylcreamed hair has been blown out of place. The wind picks up so much that it blows open Lynne's dress. Lynne must have drastically misread the weather forecast and left the house in a flimsy dress with no bra. The Beaufort scale does not seem to have a description which says 'blows summer dresses off and dislodges pomade' but at a guess this wind is at level 7. Clive should get home before trees and telegraph poles become dislodged and block his route.

Monday, October 25, 2010


George and Lynne are out for a walk. George notices a woman on a bicycle and tells Lynne that it is Pam. Pam greets George and Lynne and tells them that she and Henry have laid up the car and bought bikes. She adds that they've gone green. As a man on a bicycle comes into view and George says that in Tom's case, more like red.

It seems as though George and Lynne have quickly moved to the side of the road to let the impending cyclist past. It's as if just before we join the story George has said “Jesus, who's this crazy cyclist tearing up the road? Quick Lynne, get out of the way.” Luckily it's Pam.

When she says that she and Henry have laid up the car, she must mean that they have put it away. Unless it means they have sold the car for bikes, which is either a terrible deal or they have a lot of extra cash now. It could mean that they just sold the wheels to buy bikes and now the car is laid up on bricks.

Pam talks of her and Henry riding bikes, so who is Tom? And what is he doing cycling with Pam? Tom is the local pervert. Everyone knows him and he follows different women around. In order to blend in when following Pam, he has had to start cycling. It has made him out of breath. Seeing Tom is a little bit of a shock to Pam who didn't realise she was being followed. Tom has had to ride past to pretend he was on his normal cycle ride.

Thursday, October 21, 2010


Lynne is at a café with two unnamed friends. One says that, in one week, Guy has given her chocolates, champagne and flowers. Lynne says she can guess what he's after. The first lady says it's forgiveness. Lynne and the third lady look shocked.

The lady in green appears to be speaking clearly, but this is a busy café and some of her words may have lost in the hum of the clientele. Therefore we don't know if it is a man called Guy, presumably her husband, who has been giving her these gifts or she means 'a guy'.

Lynne believes she has read this conversation perfectly. She believes she doesn't need to hear the end of it to know how it ends so she butts in to give her tuppence worth. She is wrong. Where as the lady with the black hair is shocked that this guy could do anything that would need forgiveness, Lynne is shocked that she is wrong.

For the uninitiated, Lynne thinks that this 'Guy' has only been buttering up the woman in order to involve himself in coitus with her. However, the truth is that he is trying to make up for something. Perhaps coitus with a third party, perhaps with the black haired lady who has kept very quiet during all of this. Your silence speaks volumes, black haired lady.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


Lynne is in the bath when George comes in to tell her that they say there could be a drought this year. As George strips off, Lynne is startled and asks what he is doing. George says he is joining her to conserve water. Lynne throws a sponge at him.

George has been listening to the radio in his towel whilst waiting for Lynne to get out of the bath. She has spent far too long in there, so long that the water has turned a vibrant pink.

George is so concerned about the impending drought that he wants to get straight to it and start saving water. He is in such panic that he's likely to use that bathwater to boil his potatoes in later.

What George doesn't know is that Lynne has already planned against the oncoming drought by bathing in two centimetres of water. They are now conserving water twice. The problem is that restrictions on water probably won't come into place until the drought has hit, so what they are doing now, whilst very earth friendly, is essentially pointless.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


George and Lynne are going to bed. Lynne tells George that Ken and Kelly, who Lynne was talking to on the phone, want them to join them for a weekend at a naturist camp and wants to know what they should pack. George says they only need the bare necessities.

Ken and Kelly have called George and Lynne quite late at night. By the look on George's face, he was hoping to go to sleep a while ago, but has been kept awake by this phone call. By the second frame he can barely keep his eyes open. Honestly, who calls at this hour?

For Ken and Kelly to call so late to invite George and Lynne to a naturist camp can only mean they are drunk. They have had a wild idea that swanning around naked for a weekend would be a fun idea, but who to ask? They know Lynne isn't shy so they phoned her. When they wake up tomorrow, Ken and Kelly will be very embarrassed that they went through with their drunken phone call and may have to call again to say they've changed their mind.

Monday, October 18, 2010


George and Lynne are out and about. Lynne notices Tina with her new husband and tells George. George comments that Tina is in great shape, but wonders if it is all her own. Lynne confirms that it is and adds that the only plastic she needs is his credit card.

This is a shopping day for George and Lynne. The sun is shining, so George has opted for his STE t-shirt and they're off to Goo for a bargain. It is difficult to see what sort of shop Goo is, but it is somewhere where a young woman such as Tina would take her new rich husband for some things.

Lynne knows everyone in the town, but is rarely invited to any weddings. Many people she sees are out with their new spouses but seldom does Lynne know the names of the new spouses. How does she know the women in the first place? Did they roll together back in their teens, raising hell, or has she just bumped into them in the supermarket and chatted over a shared love of Smash and Angel Delight? Whichever it is, they aren't close enough to have any sort of meaningful relationship.

Lynne's presence has made this woman feel a little awkward. Tina has recently married a man with a lot of money and a huge wedding was had. Lynne was one of only a few not invited to either the service or the reception. Tina decides that it would be easier for all to blank Lynne out of fear for getting into a conversation about said wedding, or Angel Delight. Lynne is so involved in her own comment that she fails to notice. A victory for Tina.

Thursday, October 14, 2010


Lynne is in a sauna. She thinks to herself that Jayne's husband looks like a Greek god. She continues to think that some people says she's lucky but Lynne doesn't because the Greek god he looks most like is Aphrodite.

Lynne thinks that Jayne's husband looks like a woman. The fact we had to go through her internal monologue was a complete waste of everyone's time.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


George is looking under the bonnet of his car. Lynne asks him what the problem is and George replies that he doesn't have a clue. He asks her to take a look and then thinks to himself that he'll take a good look too.

There is something wrong with George's car. Although this car has the same front as George's normal car, it seems as though this car has no paint job. George picked up this rustbucket for cheap and now intends to do it up as a little project. What George is most confused about is how something which doesn't even have a battery in it can still have its lights on.

This is not the first time that George has used this method to take a look at Lynne's rear. It is strange that Lynne has fallen for it again. She must really want to improve her car maintenance skills. She must have some knowledge for George to ask her to have a look. Yes, he only wants to ogle her behind, but this ruse doesn't work unless Lynne has at least a passing interest in engines.

The doing up of the car is just a pet project for George, and also Lynne. He really only bought the car for the number plate. 7 BPF is a desirable number plate. George likes to think the P stands for 'property'.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


George and Lynne arrive at a restaurant. The waiter asks them if they would like their usual table and George is impressed that he remembered. He then offers them two dishes and George is again impressed that the waiter remembered. George and Lynne are then doing the dishes because George did not remember to bring his wallet.

George and Lynne have been to this restaurant before. As they have come back it would be safe to say that they enjoyed their time here. It seems that either the steak and the scampi are specialities of the restaurant or that they were just very good as it seems quite a big deal to get dressed up just for steak and scampi. Perhaps steak and scampi are the height of sophistication for George and Lynne. They just aren't as high-brow as we had them down to me. However this could be one of those restaurants that take a classic dish like steak or scampi and puts their own spin on it.

As George and Lynne cannot afford to pay, in classic cartoon style they are doing the dishes. A dishwasher in 1983 would probably be paid about £3 an hour. If this really is a classy a restaurant as we think it is, then their meal could have cost upwards of £50 between them. In order for George and Lynne to pay off their bill, they will have to wash dishes for the next eight hours. It would have been simpler for George to drive home and get his wallet while Lynne waits at the restaurant as some sort of collateral. If he doesn't return with two hours, they are allowed to shoot her.

Monday, October 11, 2010


George and Lynne are playing tennis. Lynne says that people say she should have played at Wimbledon. George asks if that is because of her great tennis. Lynne says it isn't but because of her great legs. George hugs her and says game, set and match.

Lynne is clearly beating George in this tennis match. She volleys past him twice with little effort. It is this form which causes Lynne to tell George about her tennis past. It seems George and Lynne have not played tennis together before because George would surely know how good Lynne is and perhaps heard her Wimbledon story before.

Lynne has misunderstood why people play at Wimbledon. It is in fact a tennis tournament and you have to be quite good at tennis, which Lynne clearly is, to play there. She however thinks that you can earn a wild card for having good legs. If this was the case, there would be an awful lot of love matches at Wimbledon each year.

By the end, George is just happy to get off this court. They are nowhere near finished but George realises he is being trounced. By saying 'game, set and match' he is implying that the game is over. He has had enough and this is the last time he will visit PDNP Tennis Centre.

Thursday, October 7, 2010


Lynne is playing beach volleyball with an unnamed friend. She says that beach volleyball is George's favourite sport. Her friend asks, in one way or another, why he doesn't play himself. George says that it is his favourite spectator sport.

Despite only a slash of blue sky cut into the white clouds, Lynne and her friend have insisted on not only braving the beach but also disrobing. The holiday hasn't been a complete failure though judging by Lynne's tan lines.

By the amount of seagulls that are circling the area, the beach must be near a landfill. This really must be a difficult game of volleyball. It's cold and it stinks.

It looks as though Lynne's friend has lost that point. She must be furious with Lynne's gamesmanship. If Lynne had stated initially that beach volleyball was George's favourite spectator sport, then she would not have had to ask the question back, which in turn led to George's comment thus distracting her and losing the point. It seems that George and Lynne cruise the beach volleyball courts sharking their opponents and then cleaning up. Like a Margate version of The Color Of Money.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


George and Sammy are in the garden. George tells Sammy that it seems the local astronomy club wants Lynne as their chairperson. Sammy asks why and George replies that they think she has a heavenly body.

Once again, George is neglecting his duties; talking to Sammy rather than tending to that overgrown garden. When Lynne emerges it's as though she is coming out of a forest. From all these times of seeing their garden, we may have to now accept that this is the way they like it.

George's comment leads to two schools of thought. The first is that the astronomy like Lynne's body, heavenly meaning very nice. This is no way to run an astronomy club. All the men will be ogling Lynne and leave her to make all the decisions. If they're not careful, she'll blow their government grant on perfume and pants. The other explanation is that the astronomy club would never misappropriate the the term heavenly body. This means that they think that Lynne is the size of a small planet. The only reason that the astronomy club want Lynne to be their chairperson is so they can laugh at her. That's just cruel.

If they had said that Lynne had 'heavenly bodies' then that would be correct on both counts. This astronomy club is shambles. However if Sammy finds out they have free punch at the AGM, he'll join in a flash.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


George and Lynne are at the pub. Lynne comes back from the bar with two drinks and George lambasts her for taking so long. She explains that she had to wait at the bar. George asks her if there was a big queue in front of her. Lynne says that there was a big queue behind her.

Lynne has bought the drinks. She doesn't trust herself to carry two drinks so she has asked for a tray to carry them back. The pint of cider is for George and the tiny sherry is for Lynne. During the walk from the bar to the garden Lynne acquires a nice tan. That's some strong sun.

Lynne's explanation for her delay does not make sense. If there was a big queue behind her, then the only reason she waited so long at the bar was that she was being so socially inept that she couldn't order two drinks. The resulting queue was getting increasingly annoyed. Lynne got her order wrong three times and then insisted on asking for a tray. The bar staff had to go on a long hunt for one but in the end they found one. George's cider is now flat though.

Monday, October 4, 2010


Lynne is out jogging. She thinks to herself that Hanna's new boyfriend hasn't much to say for himself. She thinks that that isn't a problem though as Hanna has enough to say for both of them. Hanna is talking nearby.

Lynne has gone jogging but has forgotten to put her clothes on. Before you suggest she should be arrested for public indecency, she is in fact wearing her underwear but not her running gear. She is wearing her sports bra and underpants but this is not the attire for jogging. Even the people behind her are commenting on how foolish she looks.

Lynne has been thinking about Hanna and her new boyfriend. This is not a coincidence. She has seen them up ahead and this is the reason this thought flashed into her mind. Hanna talks a lot but most of what she says is just gibberish. That's what Lynne hears – in fact Hanna had been commenting on how ridiculous Lynne looks running around in her underwear. She quickly has to cover up this conversation by changing it. Unfortunately the only thing she could think to say was 'Blah bla more bla'. There is no way that Lynne won't think that they weren't talking about her.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


George is at the sweet shop and asks the proprietor for the biggest box of chocolates he has. He goes on to explain that they are for his wife because he had mistakenly said she'd put on weight. The shop owner says that after eating all those chocolates she really will put on weight.

In Wimbledon, all sweet shops are owned by aged Chinese men. This is a regular 80s sweet shop that has jars of different sweets behind the counter and you buy them in quarters. One mistake this Chinese man has made though is writing SWEET on the window on the inside. The people on the inside can see it fine but they already know they are in a sweet shop. Unless of course it is a sweet shop in an old iron mongers so it's only when people come in do they realise they've made a mistake and are now in a sweet shop. It is then that the Chinese man lures them into buying some sweets by displaying all the appetising and mouthwatering products he has.

The box of chocolates that George buys is so large that the shop owner can barely carry them. He's shaking quite a lot. He has made another mistake. There is no way a box that size containing chocolates can be that heavy. This is actually his burglar defence system. When he bought the shop from the iron mongers, a number of horse shoes and iron poles were left. He put them in a large chocolate box to throw at any would be robbers. He hasn't used it for quite a while and forgot what the box contains. George is going to be very disappointed and confused when he gets home.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010


Lynne is talking to an unnamed man. He is telling her about a woman who is just what he looks for – slim, attractive, has a great figure and never nags or complains. Lynne says she sounds perfect and asks why he doesn't ask her out. The man gazes at a mannequin in a shop window and Lynne says that she now sees why he doesn't and calls him a dummy.

Just who this Joe Strummer wannabe is we don't know. We also don't know why he's latched himself on to Lynne. They must know each other somehow. Luckily, for Lynne, he is not flirting with her but telling her about another woman he likes. This man is quite picky in his tastes and the women he goes for must meet his specific requirements.

His tastes are so specific however that the only women that meet his needs are made of plastic. He has literally fallen in love with this mannequin, the hearts tells us this. He is also either drooling or sweating at the thought of the dummy. The hearts are a little bit sad but in some way endearing, but the drooling and sweating is just deranged. His next port of call will be to hide out in the store until after closing and have his wicked way with this inanimate object. Being arrested and then sectioned are only a few steps behind.