Monday, January 31, 2011


George and Lynne are out hiking. Lynne notices some sheep and informs George that she thinks they are following them. George tells Lynne that that is what sheep do. The sheep bleet at each other and we are given a translation.

George and Lynne's ramble has found them in a field with sheep. With a farmer moving his flock near them, you have to wonder if George and Lynne have strayed off the designated hiking paths onto private land. If those sheep trample them, they've only got themselves to blame.

George says sheep follow people. In some ways he is correct, but the sheep are in fact following the shepherd and not them. He needs to move them from one field to another and George and Lynne's ramble does not come into it.

From the translation offered, it seems that the sheep both believe that George and Lynne are following them and that humans have a tendency to follow sheep. If these sheep thought before bleeting, they'd realise what a presumptuous thing they had just said. To start, George and Lynne were ahead of these sheep earlier, so couldn't have been following them. Secondly, even if George and Lynne are following them, as a percentage of the human population they are tiny so to say that all humans follow sheep is just not accurate. This is just a rough translation though. They could easily be saying “We're walking faster than those humans which gives the impression that they are following us.” “That isn't unlike them though.”

Thursday, January 27, 2011


George and Lynne are out for a walk when Lynne spots Kelly on a bike and tells George that she has taken up cycling. George says that it is great exercise and good for the heart. Lynne agrees and then points out the cycle club secretary who Kelly is dating.

Another nice day and time for a walk along the river. Lynne's PhD in stating the bleeding obvious has come in handy again. George must have a reputation for not being very observant as Lynne is always telling him who is coming towards them. It may be that George is a vain man and although he needs glasses for his terrible short sightedness, he refuses to wear them.

As she comes in to George's view, he believes Lynne and can therefore make a comment of his own. He believes cycling is an excellent way to stay in shape. Another blurry figure comes by and Lynne tells him who that is. If George's cataracts get any worse he'll need a white stick. Lynne is standing very close to him so must be guiding him around. He can't keep up this pretence for too much longer, how will Lynne get to the shops if George can't drive her?

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


Lynne and 'Mantha are in a shop. 'Mantha asks Lynne why men are so useless at buying sexy underwear. Lynne tells 'Mantha that George says the choice is so limited as it's Y-fronts or boxers.

This women's shop is very dark. It is known as mood lighting and it gives the impression that the shop is a sexy disco. It also seems relatively pricey with a bra and pants set costing £19. The shop sees itself as classy by advertising bras as brassieres. It is owned by an Argentinian.

'Mantha is asking a pertinent question as she has gone to the shop to return some underwear that Sammy bought her for Christmas. The thing is, Sammy must have found it sexy so why is she returning it? In some ways it is a gift for him, not her. But then if she doesn't feel attractive in them, then Sammy won't feel the benefit.

'Mantha's question is once again turned into a joke by Lynne. 'Mantha didn't ask what George thought about it and she is getting a little fed up of Lynne not helping her. Her face at the end shows a polite smile but inside she is boiling with fury.


Lynne is out and about. She sees a red sports car in the street and says that they say having too much money won't make you happy. She ends up seeing an even fancier blue car and says that it's a theory she'd like a chance to test.

Lynne is in a busy part of town. The red car looks to be a Jaguar or an Aston Martin and in the background there is a taxi waiting, a Rolls Royce and what looks like the Colosseum. But this is not Rome, this is London. So perhaps that is a billboard outside the London Coliseum.

Lynne has ended up at a car expo. These kinds of expos usually take place in Olympia or Earl's Court Exhibition Centre. That seems like a very long time to hold in a thought, from Covent Garden to Earl's Court, which takes about 20 minutes on the Piccadilly Line.

This being 1984, fancy cars usually have either gull wing or scissor doors. This must be a Lamborghini that Lynne has spotted. She is familiar with the make of car, or perhaps just the door style, from both the films Condorman and The Cannonball Run. In fact it is The Cannonball Run that has made a lasting impression on her as she sees herself as a bit of a Farrah Fawcett. Poor Lynne has confused her character in Cannoball Run, that of a bespectacled dowdy woman, with that in Charlie's Angels where she is much more feisty.

Monday, January 24, 2011


George and Lynne are relaxing on a jetty. Lynne tells George that her friend said Lynne would be seeing much more of her soon. George asks if she is moving close to them. Lynne says no, points to George's newspaper and says that that's her on Page 3.

When it's sunny, George and Lynne like nothing better than a relaxing day by the Thames. Despite the health and safety issues surrounding swimming the river, George and Lynne have found a quiet area with a couple of jetties. It is quiet because no one in their right mind would swim in the Thames.

Lynne is being very vague about which friend is moving near them. From the past episodes, we have learned that Lynne has an awful lot of friends. That said, she doesn't have many friends who would appear on Page 3 and therefore topless. Could it be her masseuse who is unlucky in love? Could it be Belinda who is using her breast surgery to earn more money?

The most likely explanation is that it is Angelina. She was lured into glamour modelling by the emaciated gentleman with whom she left the restaurant that time. He promised her it was legitimate modelling but after some coaxing, he persuaded her to do some light topless work. It became a slippery slope for Angelina. She was intoxicated by her new luxurious lifestyle and had to keep up her expensive tastes after the Page 3 work stopped. The rest of the story is too sad to tell, but ultimately she dies.

Thursday, January 20, 2011


Lynne is talking to a pregnant friend. The friend says that one moment she's a top model, the next she's a whale. Lynne tells her not to worry and asks the woman if the father is being supportive. The woman cries and says that he asked her if she wanted krill for dinner.

For someone who used to be a top model, Lynne's friend doesn't look in the mirror much. She'll only have got to that size during the last three months of her pregnancy so it wouldn't have happened in a moment. After her modelling career ended, she may have got rid of all the mirrors in her house as they were a sad reminder of her lucrative past.

Lynne does not mention the name of the father of this unborn child. In fact she heard a rumour that it could be one of two men, so doesn't want to embarrass anyone by saying the wrong name. She is none the wiser afterwards but is content that the father is at least feeding this woman.

The father of the unborn child is way ahead of the game. He has heard of the positive effects of krill oil as a dietary supplement but he have misheard if he intends to serve it as a meal in its own right. Krill is probably just his name for the tiny prawns that they sell in the supermarket. His mentioning of the word upset the woman but he didn't mean anything by it; he had merely just finished writing an angry letter to Londis saying that their prawns were tiny and he'd get more meat off krill. The word was fresh in his mind. However, feeding his pregnant wife with shellfish might be a bad idea. Let's hope he cooks those prawns well.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


George and Lynne are in the garden. George pricks himself on a thorn, says 'ouch' and asks Lynne why roses have thorns. Lynne says that she is just pleased that thorns have roses.

The time has come and George is finally sorting out the garden. He got a taste for tidying things up after the cleaning incident yesterday and has decided enough is enough with the overgrown garden. Unfortunately, his idea of tidying up the garden is to cut all the roses down.

After George cuts his finger he asks why roses have thorns. His question is rhetorical but the answer is that they have grown them over the centuries and millennia to protect their sweet tasting petals from herbivore predators.

Lynne doesn't know this but attempts to come up with a witty answer. It does not make sense and doesn't George know it. Look at his face! He has literally never heard anything so stupid in all his life. All he wanted was a plaster and all he got was nonsense. It's a good job he's not a haemophiliac.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


Lynne is cleaning while George enjoys a glass of white wine. He tells her that while he was on business in America he took part in a cattle round up. Lynne asks what it was like and George says it was very hot, sweaty and dusty. George is then cleaning and Lynne tells him it is just like old times.

It would appear that George has just returned from his business trip to America and is relaxing with a wine whilst telling Lynne about his adventures. Lynne looks like she is tired from the cleaning but she is exasperated by George's constant talk of his business trip to America. He went on about it for two weeks before he went and has not stopped talking about it since he got back. She's had enough.

George's business trip took him to Texas where he was looking at acquiring some land for an investor. While there, all those involved in the deal were taken on a cattle round up as part of a bonding exercise. George was sceptical at first but realised that good relationships with all parties were needed for the deal to go through and afterwards rather enjoyed himself.

As George recounts the story of his business trip, he is hoodwinked by Lynne into doing the cleaning and a complete role reversal has taken place, so much so that George has the apron on and Lynne is enjoying the wine. How did this happen? If it was Lynne's doing then we have not been giving her the credit she deserves all these years. She may come across as a terrible pun making flirt but in fact she is a master of deception. Even George is confused as to how she persuaded him to take the feather duster.

Monday, January 17, 2011


Lynne is stopped at a busy interchange to complete an opinion poll. A woman asks her if she agrees that her local MP is a political dinosaur. Lynne is not sure but she does believe that he is certainly big, ugly and prone to frightening members of the opposition.

This really is a busy part of town and probably exactly the reason why the woman chose this spot for her opinion poll. After she has finished asking Lynne her important question she will ask the attractive woman in the foreground who has seen that a survey is going on and is trying to change direction. What isn't so clever of the survey taker however is that two of her colleagues have also chosen this spot for their survey. The lady with the pink coat and dark hair is interviewing the lady with the pink coat and blonde hair and the lady in the tartan skirt is interviewing the man with the back pack. It is possible that they are all interviewing for different political parties. Whether this will skew the results remains to be seen.

Lynne's local MP for this time was Sir Michael Havers who, at 59, could hardly have been called a dinosaur but he had represented the constituency for 14 years prior to this survey, so perhaps he wasn't moving with the times. The woman doing the survey must be from a rival party, most probably Labour looking to swing the vote in what is seen as a safe Conservative seat. This poor lady will have to wait until the landslide victory of 1997 to get her wish.

Thursday, January 13, 2011


A man is in a pub and tells the barmaid that he's always had fear of confined spaces. The barmaid asks him what the cure is. He replies that it is to never ever get married as he sees Lynne and 'Mantha arguing with George and Sammy.

It's not that busy at the Ferryboat Inn so the barmaid we saw last week can indulge in a spot of staff-client banter. It just so happens that the patron uses this opportunity to tell her about his intense claustrophobia.

The barmaid senses that it is not troubling him as much now as it did in the past because he is sitting inside the pub rather than in the beer garden so she asks him what the cure is. The man tells the story, albeit briefly, of how his claustrophobia was caused by the anxiety he suffered when married. His wife was a horrible woman who wouldn't let him do anything. However she was a well respected woman and marrying her, despite their young age, was seen as the right thing to do. He knew he was kidding himself and was stuck in a loveless marriage which caused him to have panic attacks.

His fear of commitment added to his anxiety which then manifested itself in a fear of confined spaces. Since his divorce his anxiety has lessened to the extent that he can frequent places as long as the door is open. He does know that he never wants to experience that feeling again so has vowed to never marry again.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


Lynne is out shopping and is weighed down with bags and boxes. She spies Mrs Grim and asks her for a lift. Mrs Grim says they are full up but Mr Grim proclaims there is room in the back. Mrs Grim drives off and says that there isn't room for someone with a figure like Lynne's.

Lynne has been buying items and not all of them are for herself. One item has been gift wrapped in a shop to assist Lynne. She was grateful for that but it does mean that she now has to carry the box under her arm because the shop didn't have a bag big enough after they boxed and wrapped it.

Lynne spots the Grims, who drive a green Volkswagon polo, and asks for a lift. Although the traffic is quite heavy and getting a lift will not speed up Lynne's journey time greatly, it will help her with her heavy load,

Lynne looks very upset as the Grims drive off. Mrs Grim is insinuating that Lynne's attractive figure will turn the head of Mr Grim, but Lynne is out of earshot as Mrs Grim utters her words. Lynne just believes that Mrs Grim has just driven off without any reason as Lynne is weighed down by her shopping. Never mind Lynne, if you hurry that bus will take you to the end of your road.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


Lynne comes into the room with a bunch of flowers. She sees George at the computer and asks him how he is finding Lynne's book 'My Autobiography'. George says that they say everyone has a book inside of them but that in most cases, is where it should stay. Lynne throws the flowers at him.

When Lynne comes in to ask George how he is finding her book, she is not asking his opinion on it but how he is finding the file. Lynne was worried it was lost because all she could see in the monitor was her own reflection, because it was in fact a mirror.

George's comment is referring to the fact that Lynne's book needs to stay inside her for the moment because he can't fix the computer. He is buying himself some time so he can finish watching the snooker. When it is over, he will put the small television back with the ZX Spectrum and Lynne will be able to continue her work. He actually thinks it's a good idea for a book, but his need to watch the snooker is greater than encouraging his wife in her hobbies.

Monday, January 10, 2011


Lynne is at a computer. She thinks to herself about the next chapter of her autobiography. She tells herself that every important event in her life is included and asks herself if she bought those Jimmy Choo shoes in 2005 or 2006.

Lynne is writing her autobiography. For some reason she thinks that her life will is important and interesting enough that she will get published. She's hooked her ZX Spectrum up to a screen and is typing away.

But what's this? When Lynne goes to look at the screen she sees that there is absolutely nothing on it. She has been the victim of a cruel trick by George who has replaced the small TV from their bedroom, which Lynne was previously using as a monitor, for a dusty old mirror. He knew that Lynne wouldn't tell the difference because she always just looks at the keyboard when she's typing.

Lynne's autobiography isn't a real autobiography at all but a fictionalised one set in the early 21st century. The protagonist of the novel, which is written in the form of an autobiography, is obsessed with clothes and the shoes she speaks of are an essential part of the story. Lynne has done her research and approached a recent graduate from fashion college to ask if she could use his name. The title of Lynne's book is My Autobiography, which in itself is quite clever. The agents will be queuing round the block for this one.

Thursday, January 6, 2011


Lynne is talking on a mobile device. Someone on the other end asks if George persuaded her to go camping. Lynne says that he kept on until she finally gave in. George says he was very persistent.

The mobile device Lynne is talking into is, what with it being 1984, actually a walkie talkie with a range of about 200 metres. Lynne and her friend invested in one so that they could talk to each other if they were both close by, but too far away to talk without amplification. Lynne knew the friend was going camping this weekend and promised to talk to her on the walkie talkie if she gave in to George's demands, which she has.

This means that Lynne's friend is in the same camp site as George and Lynne. Lynne cannot see her so called her on the walkie talkie to find out where she was. George and Lynne have had to pitch their tent far away from the main campsite because they arrived so late due to Lynne trying to not back down to George's demands. Later they will all meet up for a dinner of tepid sausages and beans. What fun!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011


George and Lynne are at the pub. A friend tells them that he and his ex are on good terms and they meet up regularly. A woman passing overhears and is stunned. She tells the group that the only contact she wants with her ex is through a medium. Lynne asks if she is dead sure about that.

It's a nice day at the pub and the conversation has turned to ex-girlfriends/wives. We don't know if the man is talking about an ex-wife or girlfriend but he is adamant they meet up regularly. The woman who overhears is the new barmaid who is collecting glasses from the pub garden. She is known for barging in on patrons conversations and lives up to her reputation here.

The group know all about this barmaid and decide to lightly mock her as she comes storming over to offer her opinion on the subject. This is the perfect opportunity for Lynne to execute one of her patented puns and she does so with aplomb, much to amusement of her male company. The barmaid will then rush off in tears as Lynne has upset her. Her ex is indeed dead and he was killed due to being murdered. The killer has yet to be found and the barmaid, being very spiritual, has decided to try and solve the case herself through a medium. She was so upset about his death that she couldn't even bring herself to identify the body. The landlord comes out afterwards to explain the situation and reprimand the group for being so heartless. How could they not know about it? It was all over the papers.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011


Lynne and 'Mantha are at a rugby match. Lynne tells 'Mantha that she dated a rugby player before she got married. 'Mantha asks her if he was a scrum half, prop or second row. Lynne says she doesn't have a clue as to which position he was and 'Mantha comes to the conclusion that Lynne is not a fan of rugby. Lynne confirms this but states that she is a fan of tight shorts, big muscles and huge thighs.

The vision of rugby players in front of her reminds Lynne of the time she dated a rugby player, so she tells 'Mantha, who has joined her at the rugby match. 'Mantha is knowledgeable about rugby and she can prove it by reciting three different playing positions. She knows them all and could have easily said fly half, hooker and full back but she felt these positions had ambiguous meanings and didn't want to confuse Lynne.

It is 'Mantha who is the fan and has invited Lynne to the game because Sammy couldn't make it. The men behind them are a little upset that Sammy hasn't made it as they liked to have a pint with him at half time. The man with the moustache is especially upset but he soon forgets about it when the excitement of the game comes close to them.

The game they are watching seems to be Sale vs Leicester. Why Lynne and 'Mantha have travelled all the way to Manchester to watch a rugby game is a bit of a mystery. The only explanation is that 'Mantha was born in Manchester and grew up watching Sale play rugby. She is a season ticket holder and drags Sammy up every Saturday. He prays for the away games against Wasps or Harlequins.

Monday, January 3, 2011


George and Lynne have gone to see Vicky. Lynne sees a man painting the house and assumes that he must be Vicky's new handyman. Vicky brings him a snack and he then slaps her on the bottom. Someone says he is a bit too handy.

Vicky, a friend of George and Lynne's, has employed a man to paint her mock tudor house pink. Even though the house is quite big, he has decided to just use a brush. This may be because he is being paid by the hour and he is trying to swindle poor Vicky out of her money or because the outside of the house is pebble dash, which can really only be painted well with a brush. Vicky's handyman has not parked his car in the drive as you would expect. He must live locally and just walked round with his brush and pot.

Vicky emerges from the house with a tray of treats. She has brought her handyman an espresso coffee, a piece of celery and some houmous to dip it in. It's not a substantial meal but it's more used as an appreciation of his hard work.

George, for it is he who has made the exclamation from the driveway, believes that the handyman has slapped Vicky's bottom in order to show his appreciation for both the snack and Vicky's appearance. He has misread the situation however. Vicky had wanted to converse with her handyman during his break about the leaky tap in the bathroom. She has gone to sit down but the handyman has stopped her so that she doesn't get pink paint on her clothes. Being of foreign descent, he is not able to quickly get out a 'Watch Out!' in English so has had to resort to more primitive forms of warnings.