WEIRD NOISES

George and Lynne are at the cinema. Lynne tells George that she's heard that this film is really scary. George says that he expects there to be lots of weird noises. Lynne asks what sort of noises and George replies popcorn munching, sweet unwrapping and drink slurping as he looks at an offending group.

George and Lynne have been known to frequent the 'pictures' in their time so this particular outing is of no surprise. From Lynne's comment, it can be assumed that this is a horror film and could be Christine or The Dead Zone. With these two films being based on Stephen King books, Lynne must know that they're of the horror genre. It can't be Jaws 3-D as no one is wearing their 3-D glasses, and if Lynne ever thought Psycho II or Twilight Zone : The Movie would be anything but scary then she needs to do a bit more research. All of this leads to the conclusion that the film they are about to see is David Cronenburg's Videodrome. Lynne is in for a shock.

George looks at the noisy group with a stern face. He just knows they will ruin the film for him. If we look again though it may actually be that George is jealous. Not only does he yearn for those carefree days when you could annoy someone in the cinema and not care, but also that a man of that age can be having such a good time with two women who are considerably younger than him. He must be a sly one. A man who is clearly in his seventies has snared two women with the offer of a strange film and all the sweets they can eat. Oh how George wishes he was with them, they look like they're having the time of their lives.

PROBLEM

George and Lynne are outside. Lynne has the car bonnet up and is looking at the engine. She asks George what the problem is. George replies that from where he is standing, there isn't one.

George and Lynne have decided to go out for a drive, but the car has not started. For some reason, maybe because she has a good mechanical mind, Lynne has decided to take a look under the bonnet. She realises she's out of her depth and immediately asks George what he thinks. She may know already and just wishes to humour George so he feels involved.

When asked his opinion George says that there isn't a problem. You have to wonder what George is looking at. The car has obviously not started and George thinks there is no problem. It would help if George got a little closer to the engine as he cannot have a good view from all the way back there.

George could actually be telling the truth. This could be a ruse just to see Lynne's knickers. He knows Lynne has been reading car manuals having bought a load at a car boot sale and that she would immediately want to show off her new found knowledge, so he has feigned a bad engine by not actually turning the engine over. George, you old dog!

NO WATER

Lynne and 'Mantha are in the shower. Lynne tells 'Mantha that when she was here yesterday, the water suddenly went off. She continues to tell her that the maintenance man wasn't able to fix the problem until she'd covered up with a towel.

It seems that Lynne and 'Mantha are showering at the gym. Lynne is now taking her exercise seriously and not only jogs but goes to the gym, apparently on a daily basis. 'Mantha isn't as health conscious and does not work out daily, thus she needs Lynne to fill her in with any news from the gym.

On this occasion of 'Mantha's absence, the water went off. A maintenance man was called and the problem was fixed. What exactly happened is unclear, but from Lynne's anecdote we can piece together the scene:

Lynne was showering and the water went off. Confused and wet, she strolled out to the front desk stark naked and told the receptionist what had happened. Embarrassed, the receptionist sent her back to the changing room to wait for their in-house maintenance man. Lynne sat there in the nude until the man arrived. He continued to stare at her until Lynne put a towel on. He then turned a valve and the water came back on.

Lynne seemed sure the problem would be fixed soon so she decided not to get dressed. Of course, the likely scenario is that she was covered in lather and needed to rinse her body before she could get dressed, and certainly didn't want to get her towel all soapy knowing full well she would need it after completing her shower.

MOVIE CREWS

Lynne is out jogging with an unnamed friend. She asks her friend if she had romances with movie crews in Hollywood. Her friend replies that she did, and that she dated a grip, a gaffer and a best boy, but she still doesn't know what any of them did.

This is much safer. After Lynne's problems with dogs, she has not only decided to exercise in a jogging hot spot but has taken a friend along in the unlikely event that the dog comes back.

Lynne's friend has recently been to Hollywood. It is not known what the purpose of her trip was, business or pleasure, but either way it makes her a complete hussy. If she was there for a holiday she managed to sneak onto a film set and have liaisons with three separate members of the crew. If it was business then she is probably earning a reputation of sleeping her way through the crew. Not very professional.

If this woman had actually paid attention to the men she was dating and asked them questions she would know that a grip is responsible for mounting cameras, and possibly lighting, a gaffer is the head of the electrical department and a best boy is an assistant to either one. The order in which these romances happened is unclear, but because of their close proximity on the set, it is likely that it caused ructions, ultimately leading to one of them being fired.

DOGS

Lynne is out jogging. She notices a dog is chasing her and thinks that dogs are an occupational hazard for joggers. She notices it is getting closer and says so. Finally she kneels down and says that this one has her licked, and the dog licks her.

Poor Lynne. She is jogging and thinks it is actually an occupation. She has so little to do with her days that she believes her mundane daily routines actually constitute work. Later she will complain to George that she had a hard day because 'Mantha wanted to order coffee after lunch.

Initially Lynne just thinks to herself but as the dog gets closer she cannot control herself and has to express herself through speech. She is worried that the dog will attack her and she wishes to warn any passers-by that her mutilation is imminent. Unfortunately for her, she has just turned into a quieter road where no one is around.

Luckily for Lynne, the dog turns out to be rather friendly and just wants to lick her. Through relief, Lynne's regards for personal hygiene are thrown out the window. It may be understandable to let a dog you own to lick you but one you were recently being chased by is a different matter. Especially as this dog seems to have ripped off the sleeve of her t-shirt.

AUCTION

George and Lynne are at an auction. Lynne says that she knows people sometimes put some of their favourite things up for auction but her husband won't be doing that with her. She then apologises to the men around her.

There is a fine array of lots at the auction but somehow it's hard to believe this is Christies or Sotheby's. For starters, they are unlikely to bring all the items out in one go at a high class auction. No, this is a local auction, perhaps of stolen goods or of those left by a wealthy but ultimately lonely bachelor.

What have George and Lynne got their eye on? The massive purple urn certainly is eye catching, as is the gilded mirror, but it has to be the gramophone that George wants. He is a lover of old music and would dearly like a centre piece for the living room, and also something to play his old jazz 78s on.

George looks very disgruntled. This may be due to Lynne's attention seeking, but it is probably due to the fact that she has broken every rule of etiquette to be stuck to in an auction house. By shouting uncontrollably, she has inadvertently bid on an ivory back scratcher, a lithograph of a map of Wimbledon and first edition of Lady Chatterley's Lover, costing him over £300. If she's not careful, she will be the next lot.

TATTOOIST

Lynne and 'Mantha are enjoying a jacuzzi. Lynne tells 'Mantha that apparently Tina once had a brief fling with a tattooist. 'Mantha asks Lynne what she got out of it to which Lynne replies that she got a butterfly, a heart and an "I Love Brad Pitt."

It might be that Lynne and 'Mantha have gone to a health club to enjoy their jacuzzi. However it could also be possible that 'Mantha has invested in a whirlpool bath to ease her woes regarding Sammy. She needs somewhere to relax and take her mind off his alcoholism. In fact, when you get closer to 'Mantha, it looks as though she might be losing a bit of her hair, no doubt through stress.

'Mantha's jacuzzi is really only built for one. She has added to the ambience with a fern and some candles and oils but the fact of the matter is that she and Lynne will have to take it in turns to get the full pleasure of the bath. 'Mantha, being a good sport, has decided to sit on the edge and let Lynne try it out as this is her first time and 'Mantha has been soaking in it for the last week.

Lynne talks of Tina's affair with a tattooist. At the end she talks of the actual tattoos Tina got out of the relationship. There are always perks of a relationship but they differ depending on the profession of the partner. In this case, Tina was lucky to get a discount on tattoos. She opted for a butterfly, heart and an I Love Brad Pitt. These may have all been part of the same design. The boyfriend was happy to do the heart and butterfly in a tasteful design but drew the line at the I Love... part. This rogue Brad Pitt has been making a name for himself about town and he didn't want a girlfriend who still held a torch for him.